Hello Lonely

If two months ago, anybody would have told me that I would be miserable, lonely, brokenhearted and hurt right now… I’d have laughed them right out of the room. My life was going perfectly,  I was in love with my best friend and we had been discussing marriage and he told me almost every weekend how much I meant to him. We were so happy. We rarely ever fought, and if we did fight it lasted maybe an hour tops.  One weekend in the middle of September, my boyfriend was talking about how he needed to find a place to live for next year and I mentioned, casually, that I was graduating in May and he said “you are? maybe we can get a place together”. I was thrilled and thought everything was going smoothly and awesomely. That night, he held me in his arms and made me promise that I would marry him someday. I said I would.

A week later and my worst nightmares are coming true. He tells me he is unhappy with himself and that another girl had kissed him a few days ago. He proceeded to tell me that he wanted a few weeks to himself. And then a few weeks after that… it was over. I haven’t talked to him since then but my heart is completely lost and so confused. I’ve been hanging out a lot with a girl who used to date him, and they still talk. She asked him this weekend when he was going to talk to me again, and he said he had nothing left to say. Thats fine and dandy, but I have a lot of things left to say! I miss him so much and I know I shouldn’t but I gave him six years of my life. I fought tooth and nail for him and I to be together, yet as soon as a hiccup comes up, he bails. I don’t know what happened or why, but I wish he would tell me. I deserve to know I think. Instead I just feel this empty void as if I am being punished for finally being happy. Every song I hear reminds me of him, everything I do or people say does as well. Everytime my phone rings, I think its him so I had to change the ringer on my phone to something else and give him a special ringer so I would stop getting my hopes up.

If anybody has a time machine… can I borrow it? I need to go back and figure things out.

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